Warning Signs

If the person has several of these behaviors below there is a strong possibility that he may be violent or abusive in the future
(note that even a few or one can be sign and may be in its first stages.)


 Jealousy: At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say that the reason there so jealous is because they care, Jealousy has nothing to do with love. It is a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. The abuser will question the partner about who she talks to, prevent her from seeing them, accuse the partner of flirting, and may be jealous if she spends to much time with friends family or children..As the jealousy progresses, the abuser may call frequently during the day and night and the partner may get few sleep in the result of it.. and the abuser may drop by unexpectedly. The abusive partner may refuse to let their partner work for the fear she will meet someone else. and  may check car mileage or ask friends to watch their partner for them in their absence.


 Controlling Behavior: The abuser  will be angry if the partner is "late" coming back from school, work, or an appointment and may have the partners schedule fixed so that he knows around what time they will be home and question the partner if there minutes late.. The abuser will question the partner closely about where she went, whom she talked to. As this behavior worsens, the abuser may not let the partner make personal decisions about the house, or what she wears and prevent her from seeing her friends. The abuser may keep all the money and  even make the partner ask permission to leave the house or room.


Unrealistic Expectations: Abusive people will expect their partner to meet all their needs; he expects the partner to be the perfect spouse, parent, lover, friend. The abusive partner will say things like "If you love me," "I am all you need" or "You are all I need." That victim is supposed to take care of everything for him emotionally and in the home.


Isolation: The abusive person tries to cut the victim off from all resources such as friends and family, The abuser accuses people who are of support to the victim of "causing trouble." The abuser may want to live without a phone, he may not let their partner use a car (or have one that is reliable), or he may try to keep the victim from working or going to school.


Blames others for Problems: If the abuser is chronically unemployed, someone is always doing him wrong, or is out to get him. The abuser may make mistakes and then blame the partner for upsetting him and keeping him from concentrating on the work. The abuser will tell the partner she is at fault for almost anything that goes wrong. An abuser will tell the partner "you make me mad," "you are hurting me by not doing what I want you to do," " I can not help being angry." S/he really makes the decision about what s/he thinks or feels, but will use feelings to manipulate the partner. Harder to catch are claims that "you make me happy," "you control how I feel."


"Playful" use of Force in Sex: This kind of person may like to throw the partner down and hold her/him down during sex. S/he may want to act out fantasies during sex where the partner is helpless. The abuser is letting the partner know that the idea of rape is exciting. He/she may show little concern about whether the partner wants to have sex and uses sulking or anger to manipulate her/him into compliance. The abuser may start having sex with the partner while s/he is sleeping, or demand sex when s/he is ill or tired.


Verbal Abuse: In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, this can be seen when the abuser degrades the partner, cursing her/him, running down any of her/his accomplishments. The abuser will tell the partner that s/he is stupid and unable to function without him/her. This may involve waking the partner up to verbally abuse her/him or not letting her/him go to sleep.


Hypersensitivity: An abuser is easily insulted, and will claim his/her feelings are "hurt" when really s/he is very mad or s/he takes the slightest setbacks as personal attacks. The abusive partner will "rant and rave" about the injustice of things that have happened that are really just part of living like being asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, being told some behavior is annoying, being asked to help with chores.


Quick Involvement: Many victims of domestic violence dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were married, engaged, or living together. The abusive partner comes on like a whirlwind, claiming "you are the only person I could ever talk to," "I have never felt loved like this by anyone." S/he will pressure the potential partner to commit to the relationship in such a way that later the partner may feel very guilty or that s/he is "letting them down" if s/he wants to slow down involvement or break it off.


Cruelty to Animals or Children: Abusers may punish animals brutally or be insensitive to their pain or suffering. S/he may expect children to be capable for doing things beyond their ability (spanks a two year old for wetting a diaper) or s/he may tease children or young brothers and sisters until they cry. The abuser may not want children to eat at the table or expect to keep them in their room all evening while s/he is home.


Rigid Sex Roles: The abuser expects the partner to serve them; the abuser may say the partner must stay at home, that s/he must obey in all things - even things that are criminal in nature. In heterosexual relationships, the abuser will see women as inferior to men, responsible for menial tasks, stupid, and unable to be a whole person without a relationship


Past Battering: This person may say s/he has hit others in the past, but they made him/her do it. The partner may hear from relatives or ex-intimate partners that the person is abusive. An abuser will beat any partner they are with if the partner is with him/her long enough for the violence to begin. Threats of Violence: This could include any threat of physical force meant to control the partner: "I’ll slap your mouth off," "I will kill you," "I will break your neck." Most people do not threaten their mates, but an abuser will try to excuse threats by saying "everybody talks like that."


Any Force During an Argument: This may involve a batterer holding the partner down, physically restraining her/him from leaving the room, and pushing or shoving.